Archive for the ‘Intimacy & Being Intimate’ Category


November 7, 2009

I have the most wonderful clients and I’m so honored that they allow me to journey with them.  One of them is a young Lesbian woman whom I treated for several years.  I still see her occasionally, and have her permission to tell her story.

She came to me because she was in a difficult relationship.  She knew that she wasn’t happy and didn’t know what to do about it. Should she stay or should she go?  She was a very successful scientist working primarily on cancer research, very bright and very much in her head.  Her primary feelings were mad, glad, sad or bad.

During her first visit, she didn’t want to answer some “personal” questions which she didn’t see as relevant to what she was going through.  She did work very hard and eventually came to realize that she was entitled to be in a warm and loving relationship.  She learned to receive and didn’t always have to be the giver.

As luck would have it, she was offered a very high position in a biotech company in San Diego and moved there.  She has a warm and loving relationship and realizes that she is worth having good things in her life.

Very unfortunately, she contracted ovarian cancer, and she is now a three (3) year ovarian cancer survivor.  She decided that she wanted to do more than survive.  She wanted to make a contribution and help others who are attacked by this horrible disease. She started THE CLEARITY FOUNDATION which helps fund research and helps cancer patients who can’t afford treatment.  Please check out their web site.

A few weeks ago, THE CLEARITY FOUNDATION had a fund raiser at the new Academy of Science here in San Francisco.  What a thrill it was to hear about some of the research which is focusing on individualized treatment of cancer based on a person’s genes.

As I said before, I am so honored to be allowed to accompany someone on a journey that starts with a small step and that can lead to help for so many others.

Thank you so much, Laura.


Come On Out and Play!

August 8, 2009

The couple who plays together stays together. Well, maybe that’s not totally true and think back to when you were younger and what it meant to play.  Remember how much fun you had then?  Remember how you felt about your playmates and friends?  There’s no reason why you can’t have fun now, too, especially with someone you love.

Play isn’t just for children. In fact, experts claim it’s beneficial for adults, too. It’s good for your mind, body, and soul–and it can do wonders for a relationship. You can discover your inner child together;  form a closer bond.

“Research is showing that play is a basic need—a biological requirement for normal growth and development,” says Stuart Brown, president of the National Institute for Play and author of Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. “Play helps learning, memory, and well-being. It sculpts responsive, socially adept, and flexible brains. Play can make us smarter and more adaptable all our lives.”

What kinds of play time can you think of that both you and your partner would enjoy?  What do you think your partner would say?  Schedule a play time together or just begin to play spontaneously.  Let me know what happens.


June 10, 2009

Healthy relationships are dynamic and flowing.  Issues and problems arise, get discussed, resolved, ebb, and rise again.  Money, sex and power are among the most tumultuous concerns.  Money and sex are generally easily understood, although not necessarily easily resolved.  Power, on the other hand, is a complicated and complex concept.  It is often confused with the issue of control–who is dominant and who is submissive?  Do I have to dominate someone else or something else in order to feel powerful?  Not so surprisingly, the answer is “NO”.  As a matter of fact, it is when I feel powerless that I have the need to control someone or something else.  A batterer is a good example of someone who feels powerless and, thus needs to control someone else.  Let me be clear–this in no way excuses his actions. Let me explain.

There are a number of ways in which to look at power, for instance on two levels, external power and internal power.  External power can be related to political and economic power.  It is more apt to be coercive.  Internal power, on the other hand, is non-coercive and non-dictatorial.  It might also be called psychological power.  The individual has a sense of inner strength and potency.  There is no need to control anyone or anything else.  For whatever reasons, most of us do not develop this sense of internal power as we grow up.

In an intimate relationship, a power struggle may ensue in order to compensate for feelings of internal powerlessness, or a lack of awareness of one’s internal power.  Internal power imparts a sense of self-esteem and self-assurance.  So how do you and/or I arrive at this goal?  It seems to me that unless we are reared very uniquely, without any type of oppression or suppression, it is virtually impossible to be in touch with our internal power–and that’s what being in therapy generates, and it is never too late to become whole and empowered.

I hope that this has been helpful.  I would welcome any questions, comments or challenges.

Did you know that what you feel outside the bedroom influences what you feel, and, more importantly, what you do inside the bedroom?

May 12, 2009

The following article taken from the BBC discusses the relationship between our emotional intelligence and our sexual responses. Our emotional intelligence is not the same thing as our mental intelligence. Emotions have to do with how we’re feeling and there are many more emotions than just mad, glad, bad or sad. Our feelings, whether we’re aware of them or not, are always a part of our behavior, and not just our sexual behavior. Therefore, it is very important to be aware of what we’re feeling so that we have more options and choices about what we do.

Emotional intelligence ‘aids sex’

Women who are more “emotionally intelligent” get greater pleasure from sex, research on twins suggests. A study of more than 2,000 female twins showed that those with greater emotional intelligence had larger numbers of orgasms.

These women were better able to monitor their own and others’ feelings and emotions, which is key, say the King’s College London investigators.
Their findings appear in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.

“ Most women, and men for that matter, will have this problem at some stage in their life ” Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist for Relate.
All of the 2,035 participants completed questionnaires giving details of their sexual behaviour and performance and also answered questions designed to test their emotional intelligence.

The research found a significant association between emotional intelligence and the frequency of orgasm during masturbation and intercourse.

Professor Tim Spector, director of the Twin Research Department at King’s College London and co-author of the study, said: “These findings show that emotional intelligence is an advantage in many aspects of your life including the bedroom.

“This study will help enormously in the development of behavioural and cognitive therapies to improve women’s sexual lives.”

In tune
Up to a third of women find it difficult or impossible to reach a climax during sex.

Lead author Andrea Burri said: “Emotional intelligence seems to have a direct impact on women’s sexual functioning by influencing her ability to communicate her sexual expectations and desires to her partner.”

She added that there was a possible connection with a woman’s ability to fantasise during sex or her feeling of control over the act.

Paula Hall, a sexual psychotherapist for Relate, said: “Emotional intelligence is most important in terms of overcoming problems.

“Most women, and men for that matter, will have this problem at some stage in their life. It’s often situational – you are tired or stressed or having relationship problems, for example.

“It’s not just about technique and the environment being right.

“If you are aware of your own emotions and can identify the issues and communicate them, you are more likely to be able to resolve the difficulty.”

Story from BBC NEWS:
Published: 2009/05/12 06:17:33 GMT

I hope that you might find this enlightening, and I look forward to any comments you might have.