AN ADDICT IN THE FAMILY

As someone who has treated people with alcohol and drug problems, as well as other issues, I never dreamed that I would one day have an addict in my family. The addict in my family is my dog, Dafka.  If you’ve looked at my web site, you’ll know that he is my co-therapist.  He is addicted to his kong. For those of you who don’t know what a kong is, it is round, three-tiered and pyramid-shaped. It is made of very heavy rubber which is puncture resistant, very bouncy and chewer friendly. He can keep playing with it for hours. I realized that he was addicted to it one day when I let him out and I was carrying the kong. He sat and started to shake all over before I gave it to him. It was kind of funny, seeing this big black dog so totally and absolutely focused on this little red rubber thing in my hand. He never concentrated on anything else in that way. If he is offered a treat, he totally ignores it if he has the kong. The kong comes before eating. The biggest surprise was discovering that the kong came before a walk. Previously, when he heard his leash, he would be all excited and come running. Now, if he has the kong, forget about the walk.

When I started to write this, I thought that it would be kind of a cute story. I came to realize that it is actually an almost perfect metaphor for someone with an addiction, and it is neither funny nor cute. As anyone who has dealt with addiction in any form knows, whether it be drug or process, whatever the addiction, feeding the addiction comes before anything else–family, friends, work, play, sex, health, food–you name it.

An integral part of addiction includes the ritual involved in obtaining the coveted item. A person with an addiction may or may not include others in her/his ritual. I, of course, am an inseparable part of Dafka’s addiction ritual. He cannot get his beloved kong without me, and we do have a ritual. When he gets up, he has to go outside without the kong; come back in when he’s ready and eat. When he is finished eating, he comes into the kitchen and just stares at the kong on the kitchen counter. He absolutely does not move anything except his rib cage as he is breathing. When I finally pick up the kong, we go to the back door. I open it. He has to sit quietly (very hard for him to do as he is already shaking), no barking, and I give him the kong. I guess that you could say that I’m being codependent, and enabling him.

If you see yourself in any of this, either as as someone suffering from addiction or as a codependent, I would strongly urge you to find someone to talk with.  You deserve to take care of yourself.  I have worked with addicts and alcoholics for many years.  Please call me at 415-474-6707.  I would be honored to accompany you on your healing journey.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly,
Zora

Zora L. Kolkey, MFT
License #MFC 23012
Web Site: http://www.therapywithzora.com

PRISONER TRAUMA, SOCIETAL IMPACT

The American Society of Criminology has accepted my proposal for a presentation on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder at their annual conference in November.  My abstract is below.  If you or someone you know would like to be a part of this, I encourage and invite you to get in touch with me.

PTSD:  INSIDE AND OUTSIDE THE WALLS  

It took a very long time and a very difficult struggle by Vietnam Veterans to get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) recognized as a serious and debilitating disorder. Eventually it was acknowledged that people suffering from other kinds of trauma and abuse – physical, emotional, sexual – could also display symptoms of PTSD. Only relatively recently are mental health professionals beginning to realize that incarceration and the variety of forms of institutional abuse that occurs within the prison setting can lead to someone suffering from PTSD. The purpose of this paper is to explore further the connection between PTSD and institutional as well as post-release behavior. A variety of recommendations for the treatment needs of those with PTSD along with policy considerations will be presented.

 

Thanks for reading this.  I would love to hear from you–any questions, comments, feedback.  All would be welcome.                                        Warmly,                                                                                        Zora

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Five Ways to Take Care of Yourself During Stressful Times

I hope that all of you had a wonderful Holiday, and that you have a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year!

This time of year, in spite of the joy, can be very stressful.  Now, in addition to the usual Holiday stresses, we are faced with external circumstances which can be exceedingly stressful, the economy, the wars.  During this times, there often are additional conflicts in relationships.  I know.  I’ve been there.

The most important thing to do is to take care of yourself.  We cannot care for others if we do not care for ourselves.  Here are five actions which you can take so that you will feel less tense and calmer:

• *Honor the person within you:  treat yourself as your own best friend.
• *Let yourself grieve and mourn for any losses you may be suffering.
• *Let yourself feel all of your feelings:  there are no good or bad feelings;  they just are.
• *Spend time doing what you dearly love to do whether it is a walk in nature, going to the theater, dancing–something that you truly enjoy.
• *Talk about what’s going on with you with someone you trust–a friend, a co- worker, a therapist:  talking can help you decide what’s important and what is no longer important for you and can help you work through some of your feelings.

I would very much like to know whether or not this has been helpful, and would be honored to support you in following through on any of these actions.  Please do not hesitate to contact me at 415-474-6707 or email:  zkolkeymft@lmi.net

Again, I wish you Health and Peace in the New Year.

Warmly,

Zora

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. ~ Ben Williams

I was thinking about a client of mine when I found this quote which is so appropriate.  I don’t know whether you’ve seen my co-therapist, Dafka.  There’s a picture of him on my web site.  Dafka, my client (who gave me permission to tell you this story) and the quote all go together.

About an hour before his scheduled appointment time, my client called to say that he wasn’t coming.

I, of course, asked him, “Why not?”.

His answer was, “I’m full of rage.  I don’t want to see anyone.  I don’t want to do anything.  I’m just going to stay in my room.”

My response, “This is exactly the time when it would be most helpful for you to come in.”

His answer, “No.  I’m not coming.”

I said, “Okay.  I’ll miss you and Dafka will miss you.”

He questioned, “Dafka will miss me?”

My answer, “Of course Dafka will miss you.”

He said, “I’ll be there on time.”

And he was.  Dafka greeted him affectionately and warmly with his tongue and his tail wagging vigorously.

We had a very good session, the three of us.

This is not my only client who finds comfort and reassurance from having Dafka in the room.  If  you would like to meet me and Dafka, please feel free to call me at 415-474-6707 or email me at zkolkeymft@lmi.net.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Warmly

Zora

Questions that I Don’t Have Answers To

I was just appalled and saddened when I read about the suicide of the young Rutger’s student and the reasons behind it.  Then I heard about more young people committing suicide after being bullied about their sexuality.  I don’t understand.  What ever happened to respecting someone’s privacy and confidentiality?

When my children were young, I would never think of opening their mail.  I didn’t go into their rooms without knocking.  I didn’t share any of their “secrets’ with anyone else unless they said okay.

What ever happened to empathy and compassion?  Does our society’s use of technology, and the value we place on it, have something to do with the disappearance of these human values?

As I stated above, I don’t have answers to these questions.  Have these issues ever troubled you and impacted  your life?   I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts and feelings about any of these concerns.

I invite you to get in touch with me.

Warmly,

Zora

A DAY OF REMEMBERANCE: September 11, 2001

September 11, 2001.  It was a little after 6:00 am on Tuesday morning.  Do you remember where you were?  Who were you with, if anyone?  What were you doing?

I remember very clearly what I was doing.  My roommate’s door, at the end of the hall, was open.  The television was on, and it did not appear to be the usual morning news.  Just the fact that my roommate was up at that hour was unusual, let alone having his door open.  I hadn’t yet had my morning coffee so I was not fully awake.  I sort of shuffled down the hall, glanced at his TV, and saw a plane flying into a very tall building.  I turned and went into the bathroom wondering to myself why in the world he was watching such a trashy movie at that hour of the morning.  He called to me and told me to really come and look;  that this was really happening;  it wasn’t a movie;  a plane was actually flying into one of the towers of the World Trade Center.  I was shocked and  full of disbelief, almost immobilized.  The image of that plane flying into that tower is engraved in my memory and implanted in my body.

Nine years have now passed since that horrendous event, and as its anniversary approaches, that image is just as clear in my memory and held in my body as if I were looking at it right now.  This is a normal reaction to an overwhelming event.  It may also be happening to you.  However, for me, it feels less threatening now than it did then.  I can remember it and not react to it.

That’s what trauma does.  It affects every part of our being.  It becomes locked and held in our bodies unless we get treatment.  It causes us to feel anxious, fearful, full of stress.  It can lead to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with its many symptoms.  All of these concerns can prevent us from living full and meaningful lives.

If you have suffered from accidents, natural disasters, physical, mental or emotional abuse, war-related injuries (both physical and/or emotional). or any one of the myriad blows that befall us everyday, find someone to talk to.  You do not have to endure these torments alone.  I am available to speak with you.  Please call me at 415-474-6707, and/or email me at zkolkeymft@lmi.net.  I would be honored to have you share with me so that you become empowered to live your life fully, the way that you want it to be.

Victory Over Sexual Abuse: A Client’s Story

I was so moved by a note that I received from a former client that I asked and received permission from her to share her story.  She stated that if hearing her story helps someone else, she’s all for it.  I am, of course, changing the details so that she won’t be identified, and the basic facts are true.

It has been ten (10) years since Chloe (fictitious name) started treatment with me.  We worked together for approximately two (2) years.  She had been referred to me by another client.

Chloe was a very attractive young woman in her early thirties.  She was very bright and extremely creative.  She had her own successful business, designing, making and selling beautiful handmade, expensive, usable items.

Chloe came to see me because she was having a “nervous breakdown” as a result of finding out that her sister had been molested by their father.   

Her story was heartbreaking.  She had been sexually abused by her father from the age of seven (7) until she was in her teens.  At the age of ten (10), she started to think about suicide.  She started drinking regularly and using drugs occasionally.  She was in a major freeway accident in her early twenties, and hadn’t driven since.  She felt she just couldn’t continue living the way that she had been.  She wanted much more from her life than she was getting.  She picked very unsatisfactory men and her relationships were unhealthy.  She often deliberately cut herself.  She knew that she had to do something.  She couldn’t go on living feeling as though she were damaged goods, and that she would never find love.

Chloe had both male and female siblings.  As we worked together and I heard her story, I knew that I had to report her father.  She did not want me to do that.  I was very concerned because she had another sister at home.  We made a contract that if she found out that he had sexually abused her youngest sister, she would give me the information I needed to report him.  She never would give me that information.  I took what little I had and reported him.  She was very angry and left treatment with me.

Before that happened, however, she met a man with whom she fell in love.  Although still not totally sure that she really deserved love, after our work together, she allowed herself to at least test whether or not she could accept his love and caring.  The last picture I have in my mind of her was the two of them, holding hands and walking away.

I thought about Chloe often over the years and wondered how she was doing.  Suddenly, a week or so ago, I received a note from her that brought tears to my eyes.  She thanked me for the work that I did with her, although  she is the one who actually did the work.  Since we last met, she wrote that  she had closed her business and is thinking about opening a new one.  She reported her father and is facing and coping with the consequences of her family’s wrath against her.  She is with the man whom she loves and he loves her deeply and she has the most gorgeous little girl.

To quote her, “In a nutshell I have to say that I no longer feel like the abuse I endured defines me. I had to shed those shackles in order to get past it and be happy being me.”

Hearing from Chloe and learning how happy and content she is–this is what makes me so passionate about this work and so grateful to my clients for letting me accompany them on these extremely painful journeys.

BLESS ALL OF YOU!

If any of you reading this have any comments or questions, please feel free to get in touch with me either by phone, 415-474-6707, or email to zkolkeymft@lmi.net.

What do Your Dreams Say to You?

ON BECOMING YOUR OWN AUTHORITY

The other night I dreamt that I was walking down some stairs and a tall, elegant black woman was walking up the stairs.  She looked at me and asked me, “What do you do?”  I answered, “I’m a psychotherapist.”  She responded, “Oh, then you are your own authority.”

When I awoke, I thought, “What does it mean to be my own authority?”.

As with many questions, it is often easier to say what that does not mean.  First of all, it does not mean being an expert.  Although I have expertise, special skills and knowledge, in a number of treatment  areas, I am not an expert.  I always have more to learn, and, truth be told, I love doing so.  Secondly, it does not mean controlling everyone and everything else around me.  Much as I might like to, I cannot control what anyone else says, thinks, feels or does.  I can only control myself.  I’m sure that there are many more examples of what it doesn’t mean to be my own authority, and I’d rather look at the positive aspects.

There is a great deal of freedom in becoming my own authority, and it does take work to get there.  What do I have to do in order to become my own authority?  I must learn to “know” myself.  I don’t only mean “know”  in terms of what I like and don’t like.  I knew for a long time that there were parts of me that I liked and parts that I didn’t like;  I knew what foods I liked and those that I didn’t like;  I knew the kinds of clothes that I liked and those that I didn’t like.  On a very superficial level, these were things that I knew about myself.  It wasn’t until I started training to become a counselor, which included being in therapy, that I really got to know myself;  how I made myself happy and/or unhappy;  how unaware I was that I was angry and/or fearful.  It was only as I began dealing with my own issues that I began to be a “whole” person and able to  relate to others more fully.  The more I began to know myself and my feelings, the more options I had on how to react.

It was only in this way that I could become my own authority.  I still feel many things that I don’t necessarily like to feel, and I can deal with them.  I have no need to control others, and there is a great deal of freedom in that.

I would love to discuss any of this with you.  Please feel free to call me and thanks for reading this far.

Have You Had to Say “Good-Bye” to Your Pet?

If you have looked at my web site, you have met my co-therapist, Dafka.  If you haven’t met him, I invite you to check out my web site, therapywithzora.

Dafka is big and black.  He is English bull terrier, lab and pit mix, and he is almost four years old.  I love my dog dearly.  He makes me laugh, and I do get very angry with him.  It took me a long time to get him.

Before I got Dafka, long before I got Dafka,  I had a cat, the first cat I had ever owned.  He was a beautiful gray Siamese Lilac Point, and I loved him dearly.  His name was Khamudi which means “My Sweet” in Hebrew.  Cats are supposed to live a long time, right?  I expected to have Khamudi with me for at least twelve or fifteen years.  This, however, was not to be.  At age four or so, Khamudi got sick, very sick.  I won’t explain to you what was wrong with him.  Suffice it to say that I did everything I could to save him.  I feel very badly at what I did with him trying to save him, and I would never do that again.

I know, now, that what I was doing when I subjected him to all those indignities, when I humiliated and tormented Khamudi by all of the treatments I put him through;  I was trying to postpone my feelings of grief and loss over not having my beautiful cat in my life.  We do grieve our animals and this is normal and natural.  We have tended them, and nursed them, and caressed them.  They, in turn, have tended us, nursed us, and caressed us.  They have made us laugh, and maybe made us cry.  They have also made us angry.  No matter what our other feelings are, we love our pets, and it is wrenching to say good-bye to them.

There are certain feelings which we go through when we are grieving the loss of a loved one, including our pets.  They are:

*Denial

*Anger

*Bargaining

*Depression

*Acceptance

We do not go through these feelings in a straight line, from one to the other.  We jump around and may certainly feel more than one at the same time.  There is also no “acceptable” time for going through these feelings.  People may say, “Get over it already”.  Please do not believe them.  It will take you as long as it takes you to grieve the beautiful animal that was a part of your life.

If you would like to talk about your feelings, about the loss of your pet, or any other losses, please feel free to get in touch with me.  Just know that whatever it is you’re feeling is normal and natural;  and it is important for you to go at your own pace.

BODY, MIND, EMOTION CONNECTION

Eastern philosophies and cultures, including medicine, have always recognized and acknowledged the unity of mind, body and emotions. Western culture and philosophy, on the other hand until recently, have taken a very dualistic approach to healing. Still, within that dualistic approach there has been an unacknowledged recognition of the impact the emotions have on the body and vise versa.

Try this: close your eyes, imagine you’re hearing the most beautiful music. It gives you goose pimples.  Let yourself feel the goose pimples. What are the emotions that go with hearing that music? Now, someone in the orchestra hits a discordant note. What happens in your body and what are the feelings that go with that discordant note?

Now imagine someone is hollering at you.  You feel angry. How do you know you are angry?  What are your body’s clues, and what do you feel like doing? What is going on in your body that tells you are angry; or, in reverse, you have a pain in the neck. What are the emotions that go with that pain in the neck? Is there someone you want to tell to get off your back?

Are you sometimes so overcome with emotion that you feel weak in the knees? Have you ever been broken-hearted?

These are just a few examples illustrating the mind/emotion/body connection. Self-awareness is Somatic – in the body. Therefore, the most effective way in which to relearn and work through early emotional deprivations and emotional traumas is to deal with the body – emotional holding patterns that are fixed and held within the body. Recognizing the mind/emotion/body connection and working with it enables people to expand their options and to find their voices so that they may be truly present in the world.

I would love to speak with you about this.  What do you do when you feel this way?  Please feel free to call me at 415-474-6707 or email me at zkolkeymft@lmi.net.